I've been with my my boyfriend for almost 5 years and 1 month. For the first year of our relationship, I admit, the love was not really as how it got bigger until I knew him better and connected with a good communication and relationship. For that first year, I acted unselfish that I was not sensitive enough on what he feels every time I leave him alone and chose to hang out with my high school friends. Maybe because, I never wanted to have a boyfriend yet, but because he waited and I saw the sincerity in his heart, I fell in love with him. I didn't liked him at all. I just found myself smiling every time I see him and feels so comfortable with his companion.
On our first year anniversary, I got a ring from him. It was his gift for me and I was happy then. I was surprised. But, compared to my feelings for him, he showed how he truly loves me. In spite of my childish acts, he considered it and continued to understand me.
In our second year, I feel closer to him. I started to say 'I miss you' truly because I really do. Unlike before, those words were actually just for "REPLY". I meant every word I said, most importantly, saying "I LOVE YOU". And, I've been discovering new about him. Our relationship runs smoothly. If we had arguments, maybe it' just because it's part of a relationship. It's part of growing up and to make us more stronger. Despite of a long distance communication, he kept the distance closer to me. I also kept contacted with him. Until we reach our third year. Our kind of relationship is still the same. But, time came when I asked for cool off. I don't remember why at all. But one thing that made me decide was because I need space. Imagine?
Because, even we are far apart. He kept on making suffocating airs. Too many taboos for me. No hanging out with boys, avoiding of physical contact with them, like holding my elbows, or whatever it is. To make myself clear, I am not flirt. I maybe close to them, specially with my high school classmates, but not that really closer to others, though the companion was good and fun.
I had to choose what he wanted to avoid quarrels, but how can I make excuses if we really are just friends and I know what my limitations are. He's jealous. I stressed that. There's nothing wrong about it, because I feel special whenever he showed that kind of feeling. But, too much of that makes me crazy. He didn't agreed of breaking apart, that's why we just cooled off. To calm myself and enjoy my life without any rules and people to consider. It reached one year. However, we still continued our relationship, deciding that we'll still communicate but with no commitment. He can do whatever he wants and I'll do whatever I want without any asking permission from him.
When I went home for Christmas vacation in Samar. My friends was confused and kept on asking me if we're really cooled off or anything. I always answered yes. It so happen, that when we met again, my treatment towards him was just the same like we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And, when I got back to Davao, the feelings started to be mutual again and like before we always communicate and comfort each other.
Later, he visited me here in Davao. That was his first visit, that was Summer for an incoming third year student like me. At the beach, he asked me if until when we'll say 'cool off relationship'. I felt guilty, because it took one year without any concern from me. And so, I said, the moment I kissed him in front of many people. We're back. Then, when we went to a shopping mall and just hanging around with my college classmates, staring at those walking and busy chit-chatting people. I kissed him on the lips. That was just a smack. 3 seconds,perhaps. My classmate saw what I did, and she smiled because she knew what was my plan. And then, there it goes, we made new memories for a reborn relationship. It again flowed smoothly. No big quarrels and arguments, Keeping in touch always. We comforts each other in spite of a sickening long-distance relationship.
Until, again we reached our fourth year. Those communication feels really good. Like, thinking of a future with him. Sharing stories. Then, time came I felt something's wrong. I asked if he's ok or what, if there's something wrong that he could tell me. But, he's always saying that everything's' ok. Then, I just decided to let it be. This span of time was the time when I started joining a Bible Sharing. I had a lot of realizations. When time came that I chose God over him. I actually did. I never thought of problems. Though I've been sensing a problem that is unclear to me. I decided to go with the flow. I kept on asking on my boyfriend if he has a problem but he answers the same.
Time came when I caught a girl leaving a message to my boyfriend, telling he misses him and saying sorry. I felt something different but I made my mind into an open situation. Thinking that she might just be his friend, because I know how we was close to his friends like girls. I decided to ask him again about the message, he told me that he got into a relationship through a text. I was hurt. SOOOO MUCH. I admit, by that time, I really got busy with my studies and wasn't able to talk to him at all times. I asked why, he told me that I always regret on his proposals. Honestly, his the man I prayed to God to be with for the rest of my life here on earth. But, I have these priorities in life to think first. My family, especially my grandmother and father. I still want to give them support in return of what they did for me. I can't commit that easy if I know we're still young to settled down, knowing how long we've been in this relationship. And, when this happened, I was thinking of a sign to finally break up with him and no turning back. He said he love that girl but not the way he loves me more. He explained that he was just looking for someone to talk to. What! that's not a reason. I'm still his girlfriend. Is that how men look for comfort? Good I realized that no matter how hurt that brought to me, God comforted me and I knew in myself that I can go on without him. We talked, he asked for forgiveness. He went back to Davao. We talked. But, that time needs no words at all. Simple hug and comfort was enough to feel that I still feel good with his companion. Even though, I can honestly say that my feelings just disappeared unknowingly. I asked myself all over again if I do still have feelings towards him, but I can't search the answer in my heart and mind.
I was happy because, imagining that we had no big problems came for that three years. But, this test was actually melting me. I cried for straight nights. I can't stop myself from thinking a text over me and our 4 year relationship. I can't stop my tears from running down, thinking that I say "I love you" every time he calls, but he says "i love you" to another girl. Feels so stupid. I really wanted to end our relationship, but realizing that was too early to be decided. I haven't thought of it wisely. I told him every single word I wanted to express, without even care that he might got hurt too. I kept on searching deep in me, if what's the status at all. I do care for him, but the fact the I don't trust him anymore. Maybe, I still love him, yet, because I'm still hurt and emotional, I was not minding anything. Maybe for others, they can say it was just at text. But for me, it's still cheating and had no respect. I considered my relationship soon to be vowed in front God, in His time. I don't play around. Because I'm not like the others that has no fear to God. However, my bad that I kept calling her a b*tch, which was actually true. She knows that my boyfriend has a girlfriend but she continued to do what she wanted. Crazy. Later, I was just thinking to pray for her and find the man that is meant for her. Even though, we collided in a small world, I met her, but I did nothing. I smiled though deep inside it was awkward. Thank God, I'm not fun of scandals and I don't bite. I still have this kindness, respect and uncheap mindset.
During our reconciliation, I just showed what I truly feel. I treated him in the same way. Even though my mind says,my act was so dumb. I responded to those situations conditionally, calm and with humility. In spite of thinking at night after we date, am I showing a poker face? I know I'm hurt, but why I'm letting this like just nothing happened. I realized that God was beside me all the time, that's why I kept myself firmed and with feet on the ground no matter what happens. He made me realize that it was only a test of our relationship. I have forgiven both of them, though I don't mind the girl. But, I can't help myself from admitting that it's hard to forget that just a snap.
We talked again and decided to have space for a moment. No communications. After 3 days he called me, and to be honest, I missed him. Until, I forgave him and started to made new memories. Forgetting what just had happened. But, I'm blessed because he still chose me and he really regretted of what he had done. In our five year relationship, we're back, but I can say, there were things that has changed. Like, letting it all to God, I do trust him because I trust God of his plans for us.
One funny thing was, he asked me to share a story. And I had nothing to share. So, he asked me to share anything about our memories, when, where and how it happened. I turned into a cement. I actually did not remember anything. And he got sad because I forgot. I never thought I'll just let it happen. Maybe because, even in the midst of solving our problem and reconciliation, I was actually starting to move on. Forgetting the past, most likely forgetting him. And those memories, was too hard for me to remember. I tried to remember all, when I'm at bed lying, on a ride and even inside the comfort room. I remembered. But, there was no impact at all. Emotionless. Hanging memories even until now. Because the love i feel for him is like on its renewing stage . I'm not forcing myself. I maybe saying yes to his proposal but with reasons. I still want to enjoy my life. I'm not making my time either our lives too fast. In God's time, we'll be there. No heart aches anymore, no hard feelings, no revenge (there was one time, just once. I took picture with my close friends who are boys because I know he will be jealous) anymore. Just putting God above all, in my heart and mind, soul and body. Next to Him are those whom I value in my life, family and boyfriend other than myself.
Truly, there is no perfect relationship. No matter how you work on it to make it perfect. Sometimes, God allows those tests for us to learn and be able to make our selves even stronger and firm. And, especially for our relationship to grow with more love and respect.
I realized, I have to love myself more. Because next to God, only myself can have the prettiest and unconditional love that conforms.
