Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Too Close yet Feels so Distance

...

How I can say this?

There's this special day that is soon to come and very much excited on it. I can't wait for that moment and wear my big smile. It feels goosebumps in my head.

I wanna walk on that path with head and chin up high. I'll jump and jump 'till the peak of my heartbeat. I roll over, without any care of what may people can tell me. I'll shout until my voice wipes out. I'll cry and show them how this molds me as a person. I'll thank God for this wonderful gift. I'm almost there, ready to extend my hand for that wonderful gift. Eager to run just to take it so fast. But...

With a doubtful mind if I do really deserve it...

There's a block in front of me that even I try so hard to dump it out, I can't....It gives me pain that I don't how to heal it. What's around me is nothing to see. Empty. Full of emptiness. Full of confusion. Full of loneliness. Hope don't push me enough to still longer. I don't know what to do. My knees are weak to walk even the ego in me is keen. Only to know that my shadow's stopping me. Why?

I want to have it because, I know that makes me happy. More to know how joy shall be filled in the hearts of my love ones. Looking in the mirror how their faces glow like stars up in the sky. It's like having almost the pieces of a puzzle but to find out that one is missing and it takes time to complete because I'll need to look for the other piece. A puzzle made of pieces I can't find. And why is it hard for me to try to search for it? Does it mean giving up and letting it go? Or just waiting for something which for me is cotton candy? Soft for me to grab and take that gift and run away. And then laugh so loud, so crazy. But...

It doesn't make sense at all. No matter how I roll over, the puzzles are still incomplete. Too close yet feels so Distance.

It's Graduation Day. :|

Sunday, January 29, 2012

No Perfect Relationship

I've been with my my boyfriend for almost 5 years and 1 month. For the first year of our relationship, I admit, the love was not really as how it got bigger until I knew him better and connected with a good communication and relationship. For that first year, I acted unselfish that I was not sensitive enough on what he feels every time I leave him alone and chose to hang out with my high school friends. Maybe because, I never wanted to have a boyfriend yet, but because he waited and I saw the sincerity in his heart, I fell in love with him. I didn't liked him at all. I just found myself smiling every time I see him and feels so comfortable with his companion.

On our first year anniversary, I got a ring from him. It was his gift for me and I was happy then. I was surprised. But, compared to my feelings for him, he showed how he truly loves me. In spite of my childish acts, he considered it and continued to understand me.

In our second year, I feel closer to him. I started to say 'I miss you' truly because I really do. Unlike before, those words were actually just for "REPLY". I meant every word I said, most importantly, saying "I LOVE YOU". And, I've been discovering new about him. Our relationship runs smoothly. If we had arguments, maybe it' just because it's part of a relationship. It's part of growing up and to make us more stronger. Despite of a long distance communication, he kept the distance closer to me. I also kept contacted with him. Until we reach our third year. Our kind of relationship is still the same. But, time came when I asked for cool off. I don't remember why at all. But one thing that made me decide was because I need space. Imagine?

Because, even we are far apart. He kept on making suffocating airs. Too many taboos for me. No hanging out with boys, avoiding of physical contact with them, like holding my elbows, or whatever it is. To make myself clear, I am not flirt. I maybe close to them, specially with my high school classmates, but not that really closer to others, though the companion was good and fun.

I had to choose what he wanted to avoid quarrels, but how can I make excuses if we really are just friends and I know what my limitations are. He's jealous. I stressed that. There's nothing wrong about it, because I feel special whenever he showed that kind of feeling. But, too much of that makes me crazy. He didn't agreed of breaking apart, that's why we just cooled off. To calm myself and enjoy my life without any rules and people to consider. It reached one year. However, we still continued our relationship, deciding that we'll still communicate but with no commitment. He can do whatever he wants and I'll do whatever I want without any asking permission from him.

When I went home for Christmas vacation in Samar. My friends was confused and kept on asking me if we're really cooled off or anything. I always answered yes. It so happen, that when we met again, my treatment towards him was just the same like we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And, when I got back to Davao, the feelings started to be mutual again and like before we always communicate and comfort each other.

Later, he visited me here in Davao. That was his first visit, that was Summer for an incoming third year student like me. At the beach, he asked me if until when we'll say 'cool off relationship'. I felt guilty, because it took one year without any concern from me. And so, I said, the moment I kissed him in front of many people. We're back. Then, when we went to a shopping mall and just hanging around with my college classmates, staring at those walking and busy chit-chatting people. I kissed him on the lips. That was just a smack. 3 seconds,perhaps. My classmate saw what I did, and she smiled because she knew what was my plan. And then, there it goes, we made new memories for a reborn relationship. It again flowed smoothly. No big quarrels and arguments, Keeping in touch always. We comforts each other in spite of a sickening long-distance relationship.

Until, again we reached our fourth year. Those communication feels really good. Like, thinking of a future with him. Sharing stories. Then, time came I felt something's wrong. I asked if he's ok or what, if there's something wrong that he could tell me. But, he's always saying that everything's' ok. Then, I just decided to let it be. This span of time was the time when I started joining a Bible Sharing. I had a lot of realizations. When time came that I chose God over him. I actually did. I never thought of problems. Though I've been sensing a problem that is unclear to me. I decided to go with the flow. I kept on asking on my boyfriend if he has a problem but he answers the same.

Time came when I caught a girl leaving a message to my boyfriend, telling he misses him and saying sorry. I felt something different but I made my mind into an open situation. Thinking that she might just be his friend, because I know how we was close to his friends like girls. I decided to ask him again about the message, he told me that he got into a relationship through a text. I was hurt. SOOOO MUCH. I admit, by that time, I really got busy with my studies and wasn't able to talk to him at all times. I asked why, he told me that I always regret on his proposals. Honestly, his the man I prayed to God to be with for the rest of my life here on earth. But, I have these priorities in life to think first. My family, especially my grandmother and father. I still want to give them support in return of what they did for me. I can't commit that easy if I know we're still young to settled down, knowing how long we've been in this relationship. And, when this happened, I was thinking of a sign to finally break up with him and no turning back. He said he love that girl but not the way he loves me more. He explained that he was just looking for someone to talk to. What! that's not a reason. I'm still his girlfriend. Is that how men look for comfort? Good I realized that no matter how hurt that brought to me, God comforted me and I knew in myself that I can go on without him. We talked, he asked for forgiveness. He went back to Davao. We talked. But, that time needs no words at all. Simple hug and comfort was enough to feel that I still feel good with his companion. Even though, I can honestly say that my feelings just disappeared unknowingly. I asked myself all over again if I do still have feelings towards him, but I can't search the answer in my heart and mind.

I was happy because, imagining that we had no big problems came for that three years. But, this test was actually melting me. I cried for straight nights. I can't stop myself from thinking a text over me and our 4 year relationship. I can't stop my tears from running down, thinking that I say "I love you" every time he calls, but he says "i love you" to another girl. Feels so stupid. I really wanted to end our relationship, but realizing that was too early to be decided. I haven't thought of it wisely. I told him every single word I wanted to express, without even care that he might got hurt too. I kept on searching deep in me, if what's the status at all. I do care for him, but the fact the I don't trust him anymore. Maybe, I still love him, yet, because I'm still hurt and emotional, I was not minding anything. Maybe for others, they can say it was just at text. But for me, it's still cheating and had no respect. I considered my relationship soon to be vowed in front God, in His time. I don't play around. Because I'm not like the others that has no fear to God. However, my bad that I kept calling her a b*tch, which was actually true. She knows that my boyfriend has a girlfriend but she continued to do what she wanted. Crazy. Later, I was just thinking to pray for her and find the man that is meant for her. Even though, we collided in a small world, I met her, but I did nothing. I smiled though deep inside it was awkward. Thank God, I'm not fun of scandals and I don't bite. I still have this kindness, respect and uncheap mindset.

During our reconciliation, I just showed what I truly feel. I treated him in the same way. Even though my mind says,my act was so dumb. I responded to those situations conditionally, calm and with humility. In spite of thinking at night after we date, am I showing a poker face? I know I'm hurt, but why I'm letting this like just nothing happened. I realized that God was beside me all the time, that's why I kept myself firmed and with feet on the ground no matter what happens. He made me realize that it was only a test of our relationship. I have forgiven both of them, though I don't mind the girl. But, I can't help myself from admitting that it's hard to forget that just a snap.

We talked again and decided to have space for a moment. No communications. After 3 days he called me, and to be honest, I missed him. Until, I forgave him and started to made new memories. Forgetting what just had happened. But, I'm blessed because he still chose me and he really regretted of what he had done. In our five year relationship, we're back, but I can say, there were things that has changed. Like, letting it all to God, I do trust him because I trust God of his plans for us.

One funny thing was, he asked me to share a story. And I had nothing to share. So, he asked me to share anything about our memories, when, where and how it happened. I turned into a cement. I actually did not remember anything. And he got sad because I forgot. I never thought I'll just let it happen. Maybe because, even in the midst of solving our problem and reconciliation, I was actually starting to move on. Forgetting the past, most likely forgetting him. And those memories, was too hard for me to remember. I tried to remember all, when I'm at bed lying, on a ride and even inside the comfort room. I remembered. But, there was no impact at all. Emotionless. Hanging memories even until now. Because the love i feel for him is like on its renewing stage . I'm not forcing myself. I maybe saying yes to his proposal but with reasons. I still want to enjoy my life. I'm not making my time either our lives too fast. In God's time, we'll be there. No heart aches anymore, no hard feelings, no revenge (there was one time, just once. I took picture with my close friends who are boys because I know he will be jealous) anymore. Just putting God above all, in my heart and mind, soul and body. Next to Him are those whom I value in my life, family and boyfriend other than myself.

Truly, there is no perfect relationship. No matter how you work on it to make it perfect. Sometimes, God allows those tests for us to learn and be able to make our selves even stronger and firm. And, especially for our relationship to grow with more love and respect.

I realized, I have to love myself more. Because next to God, only myself can have the prettiest and unconditional love that conforms.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Crazy Little Thing called Head Ache

It's been a long time since I haven't posted a new blog. A lot of things happened, and it's too long to make a list of it. So i'd rather share this crazy little thing called "headache".

It doesn't feels good because it's been two weeks already, my head aches. Not totally, painful but it still cracks my feelings and I hate it! hehe. I can't concentrate in doing something so because I'd rather chose to sleep. Yet, it still aches. Is it because of my eyes? hmm..


Crazy little thing called "Headache" scruffs me, and NAKAKAINIS! Can I just shout it out, if it helps...haizt...

Monday, January 17, 2011

Missing her...

A funny and dramatic story...

Every time I'm washing my clothes, I sing so that I will also find myself entertained. Earlier, this afternoon, I was already drying up my clothes, I sang again. It just slip in my tongue to sing "Because you love me" by Celine Dion.

I was still in the lyrics part of "for all those times you stood by me, for all the truth that you made me see,for all the joy you gave to my life, for all the wrongs that you made right,for every dream you made come true, for all the love I've found in you" My voice was already stopping and it really sounds I'm gonna cry. But I finished it, "I'll be forever thankful baby, you're the one who held me up, never let me fall, you're the one who see me through, through it all..."

I went up stair to wash the dishes, and then I just cried... I cried so hard, just like a child who was lost in the middle of the shopping mall. It was funny but I pity myself for acting like that.

I cried and cried without even knowing what's the reason at all. Then, I went to my room to see my face crying, my eyes were red, and my tears didn't stop falling, my voice was already getting louder. I just then realized, I'm very much thankful that God gave me my MOMMMY (grandmother) and I'm not yet ready to stand alone, I still depend on her.

During Christmas vacation... I had a lot of time staying beside her. I can still remember when I went close to her and laid on her lap, then she brushed my hair just like when I was small child... Her hands touches softly my hair and caressed my soul. And I missed it that way. I never thought it will happen again after a long long time. I pray to spend more time with her.

I thank her a lot for guiding me all through out even we can only see each other during Christmas vacation. I'm glad I grew up with her and knew her as my second mother but definitely I knew her all my life as My mother not just as grandmother. My mommy. I love her so much. I pray to spend lifetime with her so that I can give her the beautiful days I want to share with her more.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

2011...2012

...2011 ha finally arrived.

It feels good I'm still breathing as I also welcome New Year of my life. It feels happy but at the same time, it feels like a little bit nerve-cracking. Sounds like that. Why? Because of the thought by next year its 2012, which believed to its the end of the world. Crazy to think of but its a fact and part of the reality or my life and our lives.

I'm happy because I cherished again new memorable moments with family, friends, and with my bes. But, I was also thinking, what if 2012 will be a year of disaster. Signs are already existing at the very early years, what more now of 2011. The plants were frozen in Baguio because of the climate, here in Davao, it was raining so hard and very cold but now it is so hot. Wow. A lot of people will die because of climate change. I believe I can still do something to help the ozone layer lessen its hazardous effects.

I love my life. Definitely, everybody love their lives. And surely, everyone cares for their survival. And I hope, I was given a gift of power to protect the earth and bring it back how it was when it was still fresh and still blooming.

I love this year, but I'm already alerted on what is life within this year and to the incoming year, they're saying "THE END OF THE WORLD".

I pray there's a CHANGE. And I'll start it with me. Guys do your thing to live longer and protect our lives and our MOTHER EARTH.

Monday, December 20, 2010

At home....

It so good to be at home again...

I can only come back to my place every December and I love this month. I can't explain how was the feeling started as I stepped again in our home. And I don't even how it will end, I pray it will not end anymore, but they like a story, it always have an ending, and I want to be a happy moment.

The moment I opened the door, it was very heart jumpy. I saw my grandma sleeping on the floor waiting for me. When I woke her up, I hugged her a lot, I wanted to cry but I stopped it because I don't want to make the situation very emotional because I know, she will cry as well. I missed her so much.

Even I was still in Davao, my heart was already telling me to go home. And I love the feeling and it was fulfilling when I hold the money for my fare because I know I can go already any time soon. And as went into the bus and it drove on,wow... I can't stop imagining of being at home already.

I love Christmas break, holidays! I hope it's always Christmas day so that I could have always the time of spending it to my family. It's enough to have them, but it's a great feeling if I will have them endlessly.

Merry Christmas GUYS! I pray for a prosperous NEW YEAR! Happy Holidays to everyone.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

CHRISTMAS IS NEAR....


Wow...time is so near to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ then a new year to welcome and celebrate. Time is too fast to realize that it is just days to go before the big day is on. I can't believe that I'll be spending another more year of life which is really good to know because, maybe anytime I could spend my life in just a few seconds but I pray that I'll stay until I finished and proved something in this world how I was worth to be gifted with 'LIFE'.

It's good to know that I'll be going home again in my old place, which definitely I missed a lot. I'm so excited to see again my friends, especially my family. What a great feeling. Refreshing air again. Definitely, it helps me a lot.

Christmas time is near. I believe that everyday is Christmas. Why? because love is in the air, even not exactly on December 25. Love is with everybody that shows Happiness even in times of pains and sorrows.

I love the way how I celebrate this very special day. It's because I'm with the persons I love and need the most. I realized that I exactly don't need anything. Clothes and shoes makes me happy for a moment, but the love of those people around can't compare and even countless to what they could make me feel. Feels so brand new.

It's always about LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. And I'm happy I'm always in Love.

But..

Not to forget, it's also about being grateful in all the countless blessings we have received. That's why "THANK YOU" because I'm here in this world, Thank you because I am not alone, Thank you because I'm with you. Thank you so much!]

Merry Christmas to all.

I pray that this holidays, let's give continuous love to each other and extend or hearts to others so that they could feel much more the essence of what really Christmas is all about.

I love you all. Happy Holidays!